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| Ok, for you artists, I'm not referring to the perspective relating to art, though I probably could create a grand analogy and impress you all, but it's only 6:40 in the morning and I don't feel like it.  I've been looking over my last posts, and there aren't many, and have been seeing how discouraged I've been of late. This has been a difficult year. First year teaching is rotten, but I couldn't just do that, so I added on church involvement, and still tried to squeeze as much time with my friends as possible into that schedule. Not that any of it was bad or wrong, just busy and stressful. Then January came and the life that had seemed out of control (which I was just starting to get into control) went flying out of my hands. Something happened that I was sure would change my life forever, and I almost gave up at a few points. I had only one thing to hold onto, and I grabbed Him as hard as I could. That's what made the difference. Do you know that you can't trust people? I mean, people who love you try to keep loving you, but they will always let you down, and sometimes it is devestating. I will always remember this year, and I have lost some wonderful friendships because of all this. On the other hand, I stopped doing some things that were overwhelming me. I completely relied on God. I am learning to be a bit less independent ("I need help" is actually part of my vocabulary now...not often, but sometimes). I'm even learning to love my students and enjoy my last month of teaching! That brings me to the most exciting change of events. All my life I have looked at the missionaries around me (there were lots) and wondered about doing that with my own life. I ran away from it for a while and was afraid to jump into something that might just be the easiest option. Over the last year, I have seen God guide me into Wycliffe and linguistics in a way that made it obvious this was his plan. I went to school last summer, I spent all fall and half of the spring semesters working on the application (my, I'm slow), and finally got word yesterday. I'm now a member of Wycliffe! I'm so thrilled! I see now that this is what I've always wanted. I'll probably end up in Mexico working in editing (a job that will be hard, but oh so much fun) and hope to be there within the year. Suddenly my struggles seem so small. I learned lessons that I'll take with me wherever I go, but I have no reason to feel sorry for myself. God had a plan all along and was faithfully guiding me. Sure that led into some nasty spots and people might argue that he shouldn't have let me get so hurt, but then again his Son was betrayed and hurt far more than I. No, God is good, and his love endures forever. I'll forget how good sometimes and will begin to panic when things get hard, but I'll just have more reasons to trust him when he continues to be faithful. I'm beginning a new chapter, and it won't be easy, but it'll be full of adventure and I can't wait for it! | | |
| How is it possible to forgive somebody and still be afraid? I have been facing this question over the past week, and it has been difficult. Some people react to betrayal in anger, perhaps I will too. Some people hide and pretend it didn't happen...I couldn't afford that. Some people turn from God, but he is my only hope. So far I truly believe that I have forgiven, but I am still in pain. I cannot think of this person without trembling in some way. I can be alone if I have something to distract me, but I am not working past dark right now. How can I say I trust God, and I do, and still cry at the drop of a hat? I always looked at people who were betrayed and their reactions and pitied them for their lack of strength. "Weaker people can't handle those things; I could if it ever came to it". Let me tell you, I can't. It is only by the grace of God that I get up some mornings. It is only by the grace of God that I have been in church the past few weeks. It is only by the grace of God that I can go to work and be cheered up by the same children I have been struggling with all year.
Please forgive the lack of details here. I am struggling, and I would like my friends to know, but I cannot say more. I am not hurt physically and I am safe. I have only to wait on God's healing. Pray for me.
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| This year has not been what I was hoping. I know...it's my first year teaching, I have a rough crowd (even though it is only 13 of them), and I came back from studying all summer only three days before school started and haven't had a break since. What else was I expecting? Even so, I hoped. I always hope...I'm what you might call an optimist. "It won't be too bad," I thought. "I've taught them for two years now, I know what I'm getting into." Optimists lead a sad life of disappointment. Most kids figure out routines and expectations after a few weeks in the classroom. Mine took the first quarter. Generally, once they figure things out, they need some daily and weekly reminders, but otherwise do pretty well. Ha! I have spent the semester feeling exhausted (kindergarten attention spans in third grade wears me out), discouraged, and under-qualified. Add to all of that the fact that I finally feel like I have a real direction in my life that is not teaching, but working in linguistics with Wycliffe Bible Translators, and it has made it hard for me to want to be at work every day. It's a good thing that I know I am exactly where God wants me.
I believe that even the in-between jobs of life can be put into our paths by God. He opened the doors for me at this school, and he has me here for a reason. I think in part it is because there are things I can do and am doing in the lives of these kids. More than that, I think he is training me for something. So many of the jobs I have done up to this point seem to have perfectly prepared me for the job I hope to do with Wycliffe. This job too, must have some part to play. And whether I am always happy in my job or not, I have an obligation to do my best without complaining. I owe it to my employers, students, and their parents, but mostly I owe it to God. He asks that we cheerfully give our best in every circumstance, and I need to remember that next semester. This break is good for me. I am getting rest. Next week, I'll head to school a couple of days and get things organized there, maybe more organized than I've been all year. But mostly, I'm getting perspective. This isn't about me, and whether I am happy. It's about obedience to God. It's time for me to obey him fully now so that I won't look back on this year with regret. And who knows, maybe if I change my attitude things might get better in the classroom. But even if it stays the same, I must be obedient.
Rest is good. I am more and more content after spending time with my parents, having time to myself, but most of all, I finally feel that I will make it. I will be OK, and I can end the year better than I started it. That's encouraging.
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| Fall has come and gone in most of the country, but we are just beginning to see its approach. In my dreams, I found a place here that was changing color, but I haven't seen it in reality except up north. I went to Flagstaff in October and got to see some color, but here it has been remaining in the 80 and 90 degree weather. On the up side, I can play frisbee after dark in shorts and short sleeves. The interesting thing is that the lack of change in temperature hasn't kept my body from noticing the change in season. After all, the sun is up less now, and the light is never as strong as in summer: more golden, I think. Winter doesn't make me think of death here, but I still feel more alone at this time of year. Added on to that, this year is wearing on me. I always feel tired and sad, but not depressed. I am overwhelmed by work, saddened and frustrated that my students don't seem to be changing at all, scared of what the future holds but sure it isn't teaching here. One of my co-workers just asked me if I was ok because he said I always seem sad these days. That was a true statement, but it made me want to cry...after all, people have always known me as cheerful. I am working on applying to Wycliffe, and want to move in that direction, but that makes it harder to be here. I am struggling to care about teaching. I want to finish strong, but it's taking so much work that I don't feel I have any real friends anymore. I don't even know my best friend like I did. She and I used to talk all the time and now we are both so busy, we're lucky if we talk once a week, and then only for a few minutes at a time. I know life is just going to get harder and busier, so many people have more to do and can do it all without falling apart, but I can't figure out how. I had to work on a Saturday in order to make a dent in my work, and I stay here til at least 6:30 every day. I am at church all day Sundays so I struggle to find time to rest. Thus ends my uplifting entry. See why I don't write anymore? However, the mountains and clouds outside my window are quite lovely. | | |
| I just want to say that first graders playing soccer are adorable!!!! I am watching them practice right now and it is so much fun. They are trying to weave in and out of the cones with their soccer balls and it is so much work. I love knee-huggers! On a completely different note, I'm starting to apply to Wycliffe. | | |
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